Do you remember being bullied and/or being a bully during your childhood and school years? Have you ever wondered why did it happen; why children often seem to be more cruel than grown-ups; why you, such a good girl or boy, found yourself in one camp or another; and why, after all, these bullying practices were sometimes taken over even in our adult lives, for example, in our offices?
Have you ever thought - how could you stop yourself from being a bully or being bullied?
Have you ever thought - how could you stop yourself from being a bully or being bullied?
Bangkok, 2015, by Kristine Sergejeva
I would like to share with you two experiences or my friends who chosen not to disclose their names - one of being a bully during her school years, and another one - about being bullied at his workplace; as well as their thoughts of what works or not to cope with bullying.
Being a bully
Being a bully
Now, when I am a "grown-up", I know that I was an unconscious bully during my early school years. I was one of those many children in my class who considered ourselves as the "cool" ones, the ones of the higher "caste", because I had the best marks, I was one of the best in sports, my parents were cool and adorable, I was loved by teachers, etc. And for some or another reason I behaved as if it would give me a power to laugh about those who had problems with their homework, who had weird clothes, whose parents were older or when they came to school, they smelled of alcohol. We were like a group of wolves who were sniffing weaknesses of others and were ready to torn apart the ones who had them.
I remember one occasion when in the first or second grade in-between lessons I was playing outside on the street with my classmates. It was the winter time with deep, deep snow. I had a classmate whom I actually liked, but her mom was alcoholic and, besides, she was fat. I do not remember what was the reason (but it was definitely some "public offence", which had to be "punished"), and in front of other classmates, I took away her gloves and dug them deeply into the snow. She left crying and returned in the next day with her mom, who threatened me that if I would not stop, she would complaint about my mom who, in her opinion, did not know how to raise me properly. My mom was a single parent, and she was also an elected representative of the local municipality. The mom of my classmate threatened that she would organise that my mom would be kicked out from elected representatives because of my behavior, but I did not believe her and dared to laugh in her face.
I was 7 years old.. I do not know from where did I get all this violence and cruelty. Like a baby beast. Now, when I understand how I have hurt some of my classmates, I want to tell them - I am so sorry, I did not know what I was doing.
When I analyse all this situation retrospectively, I can see that bullying in such young age was unconscious. I mean - bullies were not aware neither of their harmful behaviors, nor of the effects what such behaviors created for those children who were bullied. Punishments and threats definitely did not work (for example, they made me become even more rebellious); but what could have had the desired result and effect was awareness-raising and inter-cultural learning through games. However, the Soviet times were not well-known with their awareness-raising approaches utilised in schools; the first time when I learned something about inter-cultural learning was ten years later in one seminar organised by the European Council.
Being bullied
Share with us how you have coped with being bullied or changed your own bullying behavior.
Funnily enough, my one and the only (but prolonged one) experience of being bullied like a bad karma dropped on me in the most unexpected place (in the office of respectable international company) and in the most unexpected time (in the middle of my adulthood when one could presume that there is no place for children games and behaviors; and when I had reached a top of my career - becoming the youngest manager of the senior managers' team).
I was the one who was different, the youngest, who was not playing by the long-established and unspoken rules, who was not accepting what I considered as unethical and inefficient organisational practice, etc. Noone, though, took my gloves and dug them in the snow like in the previous story, because adults play more refined and sophisticated games.
This bullying manifested itself in different forms: constant criticism of trivial nature by "old" managers despite what achievements I would reach; constant attempts of undermining my position (via "accidental" gossip emails sent out to the entire team, etc.); suggestions that I do not understand and appreciate unwritten organisational practices because I am coming from the East, etc. And it all was supported (or maintained) by a silent approval of the main manager.
At first, I did not really get it or was in denial. I simply wanted to work harder and to explain myself more carefully. When it continued, I decided to fight for myself and to search for help in the HR and workers union. I was not planning to give up but when I realised that my health slowly deteriorated, I decided to leave.
Now I think there were several alternative methods how I could stop this bullying.
The first one, which I did not want to try out , was an integration - to accept unwritten rules of old managers and to give up my own ethical and work principles. Possibly, if I would decide to give up at the beginning, I would not have to experience an increased bullying later. But this approach, in my opinion, can be used only in cases when differences between your own principles and the principles of the potential "bullying team" are not radical.
Another one was to fight because bullying is considered illegal under labor laws of all European countries. It was the way I decided to go - I was searching for the help of the workers union, I requested to have an internal audit. However, it is an extremely stressful way; I would suggest to use it only if you have a strong and consistent support at home and by your friends, as well as a strong "safety-network". This one, in my opinion, is the most ethical approach - to fight for justice and to change working conditions for better also for those who come after you; however, on the other hand, workplace bullying is very difficult to prove and you can feel like Don Quixote fighting windmills.
Finally, you can simply leave this toxic environment and find the job and the team, which fits your more, like I did it at the end. This approach is the easiest and the kindest towards yourself. At first I was thinking that this easy way is the wrong way, and that only cowards would choose it. But it is not like that at all. Life is short and, believe me, every minute is precious. Why to spend even a tiny part of your life in the toxic environment?